You just bought your brand new Lulus or your ultra low cut tank top and can't wait to show it off to the babes who always check you out at the gym. Sure, you never catch them actually looking at you, but you know they do. Here's how to be seen getting your workout on, without the risk of messing up your hair.
1) HANG ON BRO - There's at least one babe on the treadmill at all times. No matter how many open machines there are at the end of the gym, be sure to pick the one right beside her. Crank the incline up as high as it will go (that's right -- it's SHOWTIME baby!) and set it to a walking pace (don't run...you'll burn too much muscle). The speed doesn't matter anyways, as everyone will only be looking on in awe at the incline you have set. Be sure to hold on to the handles with a kung-fu grip and lean back so the front of your legs don't get that uncomfortable burning feeling. When the babe gets off, you are done too...obviously.
2) MORE IS MORE BRO - On to weights. If there is a babe in weights section, go on the bench right beside her. If not, choose a bench beside the least fit person in the section (they'll make you look even better, if that's possible). It's chest and biceps day today (back and triceps were yesterday and legs are... never) you are going to need a lot of weights. If you usually use 30's, you'd better get 35's and 40's too (just in case you are feeling your protein today, bro), also, get the 25's and 20's in case you feel like getting your swell on with a drop-set. FYI, legs are a waste of time, but maybe you could do some calf-raises though, or not...whatever. That time could have been spent doing biceps (curls for girls).
3) NOT TOO DEEP BRO - First, find a runt who is doing light weights and make eye contact. When they look at you, quickly glance down at their weights and give them a smirk that says 'your workout is my warmup'...because it is. Walk down to the end of the weight rack, glancing (staring) at the babe who's finishing her 14th set of hip lifts and drop the heaviest weights in the gym from the rack to the floor. Make sure to roll them back to your bench, everyone will stop their sets and move to let the big dog through (you don't want to waste energy carrying them). You don't even have to look at the babe on your way back, there's no question she was checking you out this time, after all, you've got the biggest weights in the gym, and chicks dig the alpha male. When you get back to your bench, take a break and grab a gulp from your milk jug full of aminos. The whole gym will be watching you this set, so you have to bring your "A" game. After you get the weight above you, only lower them 2 to 3 inches before hulking them back up like a hero. Also, if you are doing an exercise like deadlifts, bounce the weights off the ground to get a rebound effect. It doesn't matter how the weights get up, as long as they get there.
4) EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW IT WAS HARD BRO - When you lean back and kick the weights up above you, be sure to grunt, yell "up!", "light weight!", or some facsimile thereof. While most people are already watching you, it is possible that someone is getting water or something and they should know the show is about to begin. Stick to 5 reps or less (everyone knows that doing more than that will make you weak and will burn more calories than you can afford to give). At this point, you can either count your reps out loud or grunt. I like to do both at the same time, and then around rep 4 or 5, I recommend dropping a masculine F-bomb. After the fifth rep, just drop them. Don't waste energy and risk possible injury lowering them slowly. Everyone should respect your weights and clear out while you are doing your set, so don't hesitate to toss them aside. Also, when you are done your set, don't put your weights away, that's what the staff is for. More than that, the next person who uses your bench should know that you max out the weights here and that this gym can't contain you. A special note: if you are doing deadlifts to work out your lower back (some wannabe trainer tried to tell me it's a leg exercise, get real), make sure you bounce the weights off the floor in between reps. It's easier, so you can lift more weight, but more importantly, it makes a loud crashing noise so everybody will be intimidated and/or turned on.
5) REST BRO - You always see these monkeys running around the gym doing multiple exercises in a row (I think it's something Mr. Crossfit invented). What a waste of energy. Instead, do your set, grab a swig from your 4-litre, then take a well deserved break, sitting on the machine you just used (you don't want anyone else to steal it). Go on your phone to update your status ("If the bar ain't bendin', you're just pretendin'"), check out the latest Lulu bums or 6-pack hard bodies on Instagram, take a selfie (#strongisthenewskinny) or go flex in the mirror (bro, my six pack is comin' in real good, and my triceps are bangin'!). After two more gulps of aminos and about 5 minutes has rolled by, it's time for another set. If the babe in the abs section just took off her headphones to stretch though, take this time to go over and ask her if she's training for a fitness show or say you recognize her from somewhere (they eat that stuff up). *Make sure you are flexing the whole time, but change poses frequently so she gets the full effect.
6) STRETCHING...WTF BRO? - If you have a "Y" chromosome, the only time you need to go in the stretching section is if there's a babe in there and you want to lay your mac down. Otherwise, stretching is for yoga loving vegans and those guys who wear toe shoes. So this is for the ladies: First and foremost, if you can do the splits, do them. Do them forwards, do them backwards, sideways, and upside down. Every man, woman, and child should know that you are the most flexible person in the gym. Really, the only important muscles are on the back of your legs (glutes, hamstrings and inner thighs), so just stretch those. Your upper body doesn't need to stretched because the only thing you work on in the gym is legs, in addition to the 6 hours you put in on the stair-stepper.
Really, this fitness thing is pretty simple. Go to the gym, stand by some weights, flex lots, go party on the weekends. Because you workout, you can eat and drink whatever you want, it's all just going to turn in to chest and bicep muscles on monday anyways bro.
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