5 Ways to BRO your workout

You just bought your brand new Lulus or your ultra low cut tank top and can't wait to show it off to the babes who always check you out at the gym. Sure, you never catch them actually looking at you, but you know they do. Here's how to be seen getting your workout on, without the risk of messing up your hair.

1) HANG ON BRO - There's at least one babe on the treadmill at all times. No matter how many open machines there are at the end of the gym, be sure to pick the one right beside her. Crank the incline up as high as it will go (that's right -- it's SHOWTIME baby!) and set it to a walking pace (don't run...you'll burn too much muscle). The speed doesn't matter anyways, as everyone will only be looking on in awe at the incline you have set. Be sure to hold on to the handles with a kung-fu grip and lean back so the front of your legs don't get that uncomfortable burning feeling. When the babe gets off, you are done too...obviously.

2) MORE IS MORE BRO - On to weights. If there is a babe in weights section, go on the bench right beside her. If not, choose a bench beside the least fit person in the section (they'll make you look even better, if that's possible). It's chest and biceps day today (back and triceps were yesterday and legs are... never) you are going to need a lot of weights. If you usually use 30's, you'd better get 35's and 40's too (just in case you are feeling your protein today, bro), also, get the 25's and 20's in case you feel like getting your swell on with a drop-set. FYI, legs are a waste of time, but maybe you could do some calf-raises though, or not...whatever. That time could have been spent doing biceps (curls for girls).

3) NOT TOO DEEP BRO - First, find a runt who is doing light weights and make eye contact. When they look at you, quickly glance down at their weights and give them a smirk that says 'your workout is my warmup'...because it is. Walk down to the end of the weight rack, glancing (staring) at the babe who's finishing her 14th set of hip lifts and drop the heaviest weights in the gym from the rack to the floor. Make sure to roll them back to your bench, everyone will stop their sets and move to let the big dog through (you don't want to waste energy carrying them). You don't even have to look at the babe on your way back, there's no question she was checking you out this time, after all, you've got the biggest weights in the gym, and chicks dig the alpha male. When you get back to your bench, take a break and grab a gulp from your milk jug full of aminos. The whole gym will be watching you this set, so you have to bring your "A" game. After you get the weight above you, only lower them 2 to 3 inches before hulking them back up like a hero. Also, if you are doing an exercise like deadlifts, bounce the weights off the ground to get a rebound effect. It doesn't matter how the weights get up, as long as they get there.

4) EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW IT WAS HARD BRO - When you lean back and kick the weights up above you, be sure to grunt, yell "up!", "light weight!", or some facsimile thereof. While most people are already watching you, it is possible that someone is getting water or something and they should know the show is about to begin. Stick to 5 reps or less (everyone knows that doing more than that will make you weak and will burn more calories than you can afford to give). At this point, you can either count your reps out loud or grunt. I like to do both at the same time, and then around rep 4 or 5, I recommend dropping a masculine F-bomb. After the fifth rep, just drop them. Don't waste energy and risk possible injury lowering them slowly. Everyone should respect your weights and clear out while you are doing your set, so don't hesitate to toss them aside. Also, when you are done your set, don't put your weights away, that's what the staff is for. More than that, the next person who uses your bench should know that you max out the weights here and that this gym can't contain you. A special note: if you are doing deadlifts to work out your lower back (some wannabe trainer tried to tell me it's a leg exercise, get real), make sure you bounce the weights off the floor in between reps. It's easier, so you can lift more weight, but more importantly, it makes a loud crashing noise so everybody will be intimidated and/or turned on.

5) REST BRO - You always see these monkeys running around the gym doing multiple exercises in a row (I think it's something Mr. Crossfit invented). What a waste of energy. Instead, do your set, grab a swig from your 4-litre, then take a well deserved break, sitting on the machine you just used (you don't want anyone else to steal it). Go on your phone to update your status ("If the bar ain't bendin', you're just pretendin'"), check out the latest Lulu bums or 6-pack hard bodies on Instagram, take a selfie (#strongisthenewskinny) or go flex in the mirror (bro, my six pack is comin' in real good, and my triceps are bangin'!). After two more gulps of aminos and about 5 minutes has rolled by, it's time for another set. If the babe in the abs section just took off her headphones to stretch though, take this time to go over and ask her if she's training for a fitness show or say you recognize her from somewhere (they eat that stuff up). *Make sure you are flexing the whole time, but change poses frequently so she gets the full effect.

6) STRETCHING...WTF BRO? - If you have a "Y" chromosome, the only time you need to go in the stretching section is if there's a babe in there and you want to lay your mac down. Otherwise, stretching is for yoga loving vegans and those guys who wear toe shoes. So this is for the ladies: First and foremost, if you can do the splits, do them. Do them forwards, do them backwards, sideways, and upside down. Every man, woman, and child should know that you are the most flexible person in the gym. Really, the only important muscles are on the back of your legs (glutes, hamstrings and inner thighs), so just stretch those. Your upper body doesn't need to stretched because the only thing you work on in the gym is legs, in addition to the 6 hours you put in on the stair-stepper.

Really, this fitness thing is pretty simple. Go to the gym, stand by some weights, flex lots, go party on the weekends. Because you workout, you can eat and drink whatever you want, it's all just going to turn in to chest and bicep muscles on monday anyways bro.

The Shermanation of Sport

                                          Image courtesy Richard Sherman/Instagram

In case you have been under a rock for the last week or are unfamiliar with the NFL world, Seattle Seahawks Pro-Bowl cornerback, Richard Sherman, had a post-game rant for the ages. In a nutshell, he questioned the talent of Michael Crabtree (a wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, whom he was covering) and called himself the best in the game. In fairness, this rant is in response to a feud between the two players, likely in-game trash talking, and post game antics which featured a stiff-arm to the face of Sherman when he attempted to shake hands with Crabtree following the final whistle of the game where Sherman's Seahawks defeated the 49ers to advance to the Superbowl.

It is distracting, sends out negative vibes in the clubhouse, it is damaging to team moral, and worst of all...it sells tickets

My knee-jerk reaction, like most of North America, was to condemn the actions of an athlete who was clearly an egotistical, self-centred pre-madonna. Having played elite level sports of various kinds, I have had the pleasure (?) of playing with athletes who thought they were the second coming of Jesus, and let me tell you, it's not fun. It is distracting, sends out negative vibes in the clubhouse, it is damaging to team moral, and worst of all...it sells tickets. Who wants to see a self-rightous, cocky bully get smashed in the mouth with Karma? I do. And very likely, so do you.

Sport is war

Before delving deeper into what I will call the Shermanation of sport (for current relevance - though others of much greater stature have come before; Muhammed Ali, Gary Peyton, even Ty Cobb), I want to illustrate what kind of people both Michael Crabtree and Richard Sherman are: they are both educated, hard-working (you can't be a top athlete at the professional ranks without hard work), well-liked by teammates, active in their communities (both have charities in their names), and both give 100% on the field. By all accounts, they are stand-up human-beings, phenomenal athletes, and role-model material. But nobody wants to see nice-guys be nice. Sport is war. More specifically, football is war; quite literally. Two sides, wearing different uniforms, generals on the sidelines, plans of attack, hell, there's even trenches (the offensive and defensive lines). As an observer, it is not only incumbent upon you to pick a side, it's engrained in you. We are, in the end, pack animals that want to win, because our survival depends on it; thus, we follow the strongest leaders - who we hope is our home team! And if there is anything we have learned from being animals (or more likely from watching the nature channel, now that we are all soft and dulled of sense from centuries of loafing), it is that the biggest, baddest, loudest and most robust alpha usually wins.

                                                       Image courtesy twinking.net
My initial reaction to Richard Sherman was dislike. I didn't know much about the man, other than he was a good cornerback in the NFL (the greatest, actually, so he tells me) and that he played for as close to a home team as we can get in the NFL, living in Vancouver, Canada . I was even cheering for his team to win, so one would think my first reaction would be to defend his actions. After thinking before writing (this blog is 5 days after the fact), I have come to the conclusion that Richard Sherman is not to blame. He is a victim of emotion and circumstance, and while he makes no apologies for his actions, I have since forgiven him (I'm sure that will come as a great relief to Richard). The truth is that I am Richard Sherman and so are you. As fans, we have shaped these players over decades of competition to entertain us. Sure, they entertain us with astonishing feats of physicality, but also entertain us with character and the antics that are sure to follow. Boxers and mixed martial artists often get paid a percentage of gate (attendance) sales as part of their compensation, thus, it has always been a prerogative to "sell the fight", ie. create speculative interest in the event with the intent of driving ticket sales. Muhammed Ali was one of the pioneers (and the most poetic and impressive on this writers list). At the time, he was the target of ample amounts of ire; not only was he a black athlete in a time of serious racial tension, but he was confident, strong, good-looking, and eloquent. He was everything white America feared and easy to dislike if you weren't in his corner. He refused to back down and refused to apologize for who he was (sound familiar?). In the beginning, while Ali had fans who bought tickets to support him, even more people bought tickets to root against him. It didn't even matter who he was fighting, he was the rival and it was worth the price of admission if one got the chance to see him lose.

Rivalries permeate today's games as well. But how does a rivalry form? They say familiarity breeds contempt. I would argue that familiarity builds fondness and that contempt is manufactured.

All the world's a stage,

       And all the men and women merely players;         

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts

                              - William Shakespeare

To source past "trash talkers"of recent memory, one need not look outside the scope of NFL football. Receivers Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco would both be described by most fans (who aren't Dallas Cowboys fans) as entertaining and talented. Both are known for extravagant touchdown celebrations that are fun to watch, fine worthy, and, if you are cheering for the team opposing theirs, infuriating. Let's be perfectly honest, if the NFL wanted to stop this excessive celebrating, they would have given him more than a $7,500 fine and a 15 yard penalty (0.09% of his $8,000,000 salary for the year), but they didn't. Why? Because it is entertaining and it sells tickets. So does Richard Sherman. So when these athletes present a larger than life on-field persona, it is all too easy to get caught up in the hype of professional sports and cast judgement in the hopes of making your enemy a pariah.

If you don't like the man he is on the field and in interviews, that's too bad, because it is your fault that he is that guy

There have been reports of public and social media name calling, a myriad of judgement being passed and overt racism in reference to Sherman (let's be honest, the racists will always find an excuse). My initial response was to jump on the judgement jeep and criticize Sherman like I was appalled at the person he is, or thought he was. But in truth, Richard Sherman isn't even Richard Sherman. Richard Sherman the Seahawk is a brash, cocky, antagonist. He's good and he knows it. Moreover, he knows that you know it, and if you don't, he'll tell you. The reality is that only his friends and family know the real Richard Sherman, and it is only those who know him best who can be the real judge of his character. If you don't like the man he is on the field and in interviews, that's too bad, because it is your fault that he is that guy. You buy the tickets to yell at him, to see him lose and watch him fail, but you are still buying the ticket that is the foundation of his paycheque. 

Society needs to understand that everything presented to them is to be taken with a grain of salt. Medical advice, TV news, the radio, advertising, sports are all there for three things 1) To entertain you, 2) To get your money, and 3) To get your money. Sports is entertainment. The reason professional athletes get away with taking performance enhancing drugs (and they do on a mass scale), the reason trash talking goes unpunished, and the reason they are paid millions of dollars to play a game is because you support them by watching games on TV, buying tickets and buying merchandise. So before you judge the next athlete who goes on a rant about being the greatest, know that you made them that way. And before you send a hate-tweet or slam them at the office water cooler, ask yourself if you have been entertained. If the answer is yes (and it is yes, because you are still talking about it), then know that he has done his job and that it doesn't concern him one bit what you think...because it's your problem, not his.